went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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