Betty ford says i'm here all night
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
