Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
