Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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