go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
