I'm lost and stupid without you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is Oprah even human
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
