i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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