You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
