we have pet lesbian snakes
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
