I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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