I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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