Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
