M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
