I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
