quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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