Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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