It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
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She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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