It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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