I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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