Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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