she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
