Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
