He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
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