Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You can't just leave with hair like that
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
