whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
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when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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