I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
