I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize