You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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