My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
