OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
