I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
