Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
they need to just BURY HIM!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
