To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
