Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.