her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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