god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So vagazzling was a success
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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