you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
