well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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