Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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