i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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