It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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