Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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