She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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