That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
