I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
