Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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