My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
