Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
