Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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