Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
