The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
