All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
