shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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