He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
