I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
