Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
